Motivation

I've been feeling like I'm overdue for an emotional breakdown and it finally came this morning, as I hugged my Mom goodbye. The past 4 months have been a whirlwind of change and I was determined to conquer it all like a beast. This attitude helped me do just that, but the little things have started creeping up on me as of late. People like to say that "the devil is busy", I'm not sure if I would describe it that way but I finally understand the concept. The funny part is that if I were to say out loud those things that are bothering me, I'd feel stupid because they are all minor and meaningless. Nonetheless, the sheer rapid succession of small irritations after all the work it has taken to not stress the little (or big, for that matter) things has warranted a good cleansing cry and what better than a hug from your Mom to begin that release.

Straight Talk

You never really see yourself as clearly as when you have an outside observer there to illuminate your life. It has become clear to me that I have a serious Superwoman complex. Because I know what's inside of me, I fail to give myself enough credit and that can lead others to not appreciate me as much as they should. If I act as if everything comes easy, then how can I expect the perceivers to view things any different. If I am being honest, the past four years have been really tough. Because they have simultaneously been really amazing, I tend to undermine the significance of and need to acknowledge the pain.

2007

In January of 2007, I was diagnosed with Grave's disease. After googling it and learning more, I prayed that I would not get the eye symptoms. Of course, it was a useless prayer because going through the experience was a necessary part of my journey. Ever since I can remember, my eyes have been the most significant physical part of me. They say the eyes are the windows to the soul and I knew I was special at an early age, in part because of how others reacted to my eyes.

Needless to say that those big eyes that I came to regard as the feature that made me beautiful all of a sudden changing was, well, soul changing. All the less obvious symptoms of my my hyperthyroidism, tiredness, weight loss, ankle swelling, even difficulties with reproduction meant nothing as I witnessed one eye, then the other quickly begin to protrude from their sockets. My loss of eye control was in direct correlation with my loss of self confidence. After years of not being particularly photogenic, I had finally begun to look great in photos only to now have my greatest insecurity show up every time anyone even thought about taking a picture. It took me a long time and a lot of staring at myself in the mirror to re-find my beauty. My big hair is definitely an ode to my big eyes, my thought was fuck it, give 'em something to remember.

2008

After finally accepting myself and recapturing my natural confidence, I was ready to start my family. Because my thyroid was so "hot", it could not be controlled with medication but I wanted to try this route anyway because I would rather not have them take out my thyroid and have to take a pill everyday for the rest of my life. Those who know me, know that I am very adverse to medication so between the treatment of my eyes and of my thyroid, at one time I was taking 14 pills a day. Talk about feeling defective... Anyway, I finally made the decision to have my thyroid burned out through radioactive iodine because I was told that I would have to wait 6 months after to try to get pregnant. At that point I was 28, I had been married for 5 years, with my husband for 9. I was a top lawyer at a top firm and I was finally ready to embark on this journey. Well, it was not to be as smooth as I'd hoped because I ended up having to have the treatment twice (which is unheard-of) which rendered me unable to attempt to reproduce for over a year. Then when I was finally able to try, my body was so out of whack that I could not get pregnant.

In true LaNora fashion, I chocked it up as a loss and began dreaming up an alternative life for myself. This is when my entrepreneurial spirit began to take flight. My business would be my baby and I went about doing the work that would hopefully lead me to leave my legal career and find my passion.

2009

January 1st was the first day of this journey I am on today and as everyone knows, one of the worse economic times in American history. I took this as a great sign. There was never a better time to be broke and an entrepreneur. Obama was being sworn in as President and it felt like the sky was the limit.

Because I refuse to let any "expert" opinion override what I know to be logical, I stopped taking my Thyroid medication. Because I had no thyroid, I was supposed to have hypothyroidIsm but I was constantly losing weight and my cycle had not returned to normal in over a year. I was told that I needed this pill to regulate my metabolism, but it seemed that my body thought otherwise. Right or wrong, within a couple months of stopping the medication, I found out I was pregnant. Funny that this was early October and I had officially resigned from my firm on September 26th with a December 31st end date. I would never have gone down this road had I had my wish and got pregnant right when I felt the time was right. So, by May of 2009 I had my second baby (Muse being my first) and embarked upon a parallel personal journey.

2010

This was perhaps the most difficult year because, for the first time in my life, I began to self-analyze and really work on myself. Life up to this point had been pretty easy. I hate saying that because many of the things I have achieved, especially considering my relative disadvantages, are things most people will never achieve even with tons of hard work, but I have come to realize that it is what it is. For the first time since 8th grade, I had to decide on what path my life would follow. At this point, true greatness was the only option because I had already reached the heights that society deemed exceptional. The difference this time was that there was no blueprint for me to follow. I had to go inside and find myself, discover my Muse and accept my spiritual gifts in order to have a chance to fulfill what was becoming my obvious potential.

This blog has been my way of sharing my journey from that point. So, you know that in November I had my second child, my husband landed his dream job and we are now living in New York.

Moving Forward

I have been coaching myself to give myself a break, but in the last week or so little doubts have tried to creep in. All the financial issues that I thought I had resolved have decided to linger a little longer, the confidence I have in my ability to write an amazing book has gone through waxes and wanes in light of my "show me" philosophy, I have had to reevaluate my commitment to other endeavors as the reality that I will not be able to get my daughter into a good school until September set in and on top of that, hubby's new job comes with a twist we have never encountered, lots of travel.

Needless to say, I needed a good cry just to let that all out and refresh my spirit. I am truly feeling renewed as I wrap up this retrospective. I am looking around at my new home in Harlem, sun shining through the windows, my baby sleeping here on the couch next to me as I write. My big girl sleeping in her room and my wonderful husband in ours. I was made for greatness and all evidence points to my fulfillment of my destiny. Though I need to allow myself these emotional breaks more often, I am comfortable with my Superwoman complex. It keeps me soaring and as Zora would exhort "jump at the sun!".