31 is still 31

Its been awhile since my last post, mostly because my PC has died on me, but partly because I have been trying to process what is going on in my life. When my productivity is low, I can be hard on myself...but I am a very introspective person and I have to trust that a mental process is taking place that will put me back on track.

I'm Off People for Awhile

Having given myself permission to just stop and reflect, I realize that a lot of my mistakes and issues stem from my belief in people; which leads me to give of my resources without the promise of reciprocal benefit. This is by no means the fault of anyone but myself, but in order to assess the root of the problem I must isolate the variables.

Reassessing my Progress Toward Overcoming Fault #1--Fear of Failure

In initially giving myself an 85%, then subsequently 90% I failed to look at the deeper issue. I was judging my anxiety level and not my fear level. Since anxiety is my most obvious manifestation of fear, I mistook that as the prime indicator. Upon further (self) analysis, I realize that all seven of my faults listed were just manifestations of my underlying fear. Not to be overly mathematically, but if I average my original assessments of the six other faults, I started off at a dismal 46% and as of June had progressed to 57.5%. Bottom line: I am failing, as I feared...lol. Typing that just now actually brought me some relief.

In the vein of facing my fears, I am going to give it to myself straight and see what happens when I de-romanticize my stated faults and uncover the underlying fears:

1) fear of failure--LACK OF CONFIDENCE

2) tendency to overthink--FAILURE TO ACT

3) desire to help everyone with a creative dream--FEAR OF GOING AFTER MY OWN DREAMS

4) excitement about projects that will reap no financial reward--FEAR OF BEING ACCOUNTABLE

5) tendency to undermine my accomplishments because I know my true potential--DELUSIONS OF GRANDEUR

6) tendency to trump my good ideas with other "better" ones before seeing them all the way through--LACK OF COMMITMENT

7) tendency to "beg for the grunt work" instead of demanding (or at least asking) for what I really want and deserve--FEAR OF GREATNESS

Man, I am not sure I was ready for that...I guess that is what my mind had been grappling with.

30.1...30.8, 30.9, 31

As I have said before, 30 was the most eye-opening year of my life and, obviously, I am starting 31 by confronting those things that I uncovered last year. This morning I woke up with a very anxious feeling and that feeling led me to complete this blog entry and to act on some of the other tasks that I have been contemplating in my mind.

There are five more months until the end of the year and I want to be proud of myself when I look into the eyes of my two little girls (by then I will have had Ms. Riley) and tell them that they can do anything they put their minds to. I am declaring today, August 13th, the first day of my personal war with FEAR (Muse v. Fear) and there will not be any white flags of defeat no matter how bloody the battles may be.

Needless to say, I have some work to do. Unlike last year where I merely strategized, as of today I go into battle (action). I am about to write out a schedule for myself and execute the tasks one by one. Wish me luck!

-The Muse